Saturday, February 23, 2008

I know a lot of people...

...but I only really have like one friend. Okay two. Maybe three...well...okay...a handful.

I don't know what brought that up. I think mostly that I get into that mood after hanging out with Liisa. Cause she gets me. And I get her. Love her to PIECES.

But I know a lot of people. The wannabe lawyers. The local (and moreso national) big wigs. The scrappers. The photographers. The google searchers who land on my blog. The other bloggers. Know lots of folks to whatever extent you can "know" people you spend a lot of time online with, but never really get to hang with.

I've never been that girl who has a lot of close girlfriends. I think it is because when I was in the 5th/6th grade, I had a group of girls that were my life. Then I moved schools--not even into another country, just to the other side of the street essentially--and it is amazing what poverty will do for ya. I didn't have a car to get back to those girls. More times than not, we didn't have phone service for me to call them up. Heck, I didn't have an extra dime for a stamp on a postcard...hence why I love postcards so much now maybe. No matter. I was watching Real Life on MTV last night. I'd seen this particular one before of a girl living in the hood with her fam, trying to get a job at a hotel to move out and make something happen. She went to a friend's house who didn't live in the hood and it was a whole new world. I don't know HOW it is that I "made it" but somehow, I got out. And it is hard for me to reconcile that sometimes.

Talking with L last night, there were lots of "aha" moments, but for the first time I kind of voiced that I've always worked in education because I felt I owed it to ya. Basically, lots of folks struggled, sacrificed and gave their all for me to have my opportunities and the only way I could ever pay that back was to work in education. Since I never do anything half-assed, I figured I had to be uber passionate about it to boot. But last night I really realized that I'm not. Don't get me wrong...I'm paid very well for what I do so no complaints about "sacrificing" and scrapping by. But (there's always a but), for quite a while, I've felt like I've just been passing. Just floating through. Not challenged, not picking up the pace or raising the bar...just doing. Getting complacent. Very comfortable.

And that scares me.

I need to adjust my priorities and better understand what is important to me. Fulfill more promises and all. Slim it out. Focus. Make it a standing date to see L every Friday night or so. Start understanding what I want so that I can fight for that instead of just float through.

Anyhow. Picked up some calligraphy stuff last night because you know, anything I CAN do for myself for the wedding, I do do. All abou tthe details. Which is starting to wear on me with the invitations. But all worth it when I hear from folks about the save the dates. Glad ya like them (smile). I think everyone who asked for wedding blog access up until this point has it.

Oh to feel it again.


Liz Beth said...

I totally get you about the "I thought it would be different" if I was a teacher etc etc. Heres the deal. No matter what we do, its never enough... and sooner or later the shine is off the apple, so to speak. It took me about 10 years but the reality is, all any of us are doing is getting by. that go out and do something spectacular to change the world (as far as education is concerned) won't ever be that visible, its the little things that happen every day that sort of add up to that big thing we thought we would do. I work for a private school, I am paid a bunch of dollars to teach rich kids stuff they don't want to know, so they can get into ivy league schools and hopefully one of them will one day do something that made my comfortable life worthwhile. In the meantime I get by, and live happily in my mediocrity with my wonderful family. This is our reward girlfriend, and as sucky as it seems to our moral ideals, its about as good as its going to get.

Ann(i)e Hafermann said...

loved reading the reflective nature of your writing!!
hope you get sorted all that needs sorting!

Traci Keriazakos said...

Hey B. Somethings can't be explained. Somethings just are because they are. You ARE amazing.