Monday, August 28, 2006

Wedding Love

Why do I love weddings? Well...let me count the ways in which I loved the wedding this past weekend:

10. drama. plenty of it. From groomsmen not knowing how much they were going to be jacked for a tux rental (small towns = big charges...$150 big charges) to "we're sorry Mr. and Mrs. M but we really DON'T have a room for you and I gives a damn if you're newlyweds. Biker Jon to the about good karma...

9. boyscouts come in handy--especially old past (or is it like once one, always one...??) Eagle Scouts who know how to tie knots. That hold down the tents. At an outdoor wedding.

8. moats are cool--especially at country clubs where they are not really moats, but let us pretend anyhow...

7. families are always cutest when they put aside differences to celebrate in the moment

6. I'm a girl with a bf who lets me carry around his big glass. lol...and I'm sturdy enough not to blow over holding it. (that's for you photogs with model wannabe assistants out there)

5. my man looks super fly in a tux...with his sunglasses on...watching me from afar making sure I'm not bored out of my mind

4. dancing with that guy mentioned above (who lets me carry the big glass and looks superfly in a tux), is really really fun no matter how much I have had to drink.

3. black ribbon, white polka dots. nuff said.

2. Red Bull and what?? No I don't have any cigarettes...cigars either.

1. but most of all, I loved the wedding this past weekend cause I totally love that guy. No...not the groom (not THAT kind of drama) but they do have the same name come to think of it...

Work is about done. Scrap is under control. Gotta get in early tomorrow. Which means I probably get out decently early...not bad.

Off I go!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

BRACE yourself...

this one is long. And painful. And heartfelt. And hopeful. So there you have it. Your warning.

Everyday. Absolutely everyday.

I cannot imagine...check that. It hurts my heart to even think about imagining my life without him. Well yeah...him too (cause adorable 9 year old boys are important to have around). But this post is about that other him. yeah. him him. Cryptic enough?

Anyhow. Know the rules of raquetball. My hope (my dear) is that it will be the swim curve. You know...there will come a time when I look back and say "wow, I can't believe I used to have no hand eye coordination whatsoever". yeah.

Then had some okay Ethiopian food. Then started talking. And talking. And talking. Then had to stop and think.

The obvious is out there. I'm a serial leaver. Face it and be honest about it. When the going gets really rough, I don't stick it out. When my husband won't get up off his ass and go and get a job. I stick it out. That's the worse.

When my husband takes me up on MY offer to either work full time OR go to school full time and he takes the path I'd wish he hadn't, I suck it up.

When my husband pulled knives on me, I knew in my heart he would never use it and I stuck around. Thankfully (for whatever saving grace this is) he never did actually use it on me and the threat was almost always that he was going to slit his own wrists. Still traumatic.

When my husband thought it might be a better idea to drink and get chiefed so that he might create better art, I learned to be objective but firm in my beliefs.

I stay. Damn it I stay. but when it gets rough, no matter the reasons the timing or any of the other "yeah buts" the truth of the matter is that I leave.

I don't have the guts to stick it out. I don't have the guts to end it. I don't have the guts. I am indeed co-dependent. That's probably about as succinctly put as I've heard it. Others said I was high maintenance. Not financially because quite frankly, I'm motivated enough to go out and get whatever it is I want. But emotionally. I take a toll on them. when will I take my toll on him?

We're both just scared shitless. At least he can say it. In the moment, when I'm not thinking about the appropriate response or what should be happening...when I am just being, I'm scared shitless to say it. Because I do so much. In ways I never knew I knew how to, I love that guy so much.

But what does that mean? What does it mean to love someone when "forever" honestly DOES scare the shit out of you because you promised that before and thought that nothing in this world could break you. Until your man came home one night (not from work remember...) and asked you for money...for something out of this world. In the midst of the drama of the two of you trying...

My bf doesn't get why I watch with rapt attention movies like Closer and Derailed and Matchpoint. I watch because it was my life and I don't want it to be. I watch to study up and learn. I'm studious like that. He doesn't want to know details because the bigger patterns matter to him. Go west young lady, go west. I only survive off of the details--off of understanding why she always goes west. Off of knowing that if we built a path north instead, might she indeed go north?

I'm a serial leaver. I walk away. Defense mechanism? Maybe. If only I had the first shot. I'm observant. Astutely so. Naiive to bat. Sacrificial. I will always step back with the confidence that the ledge will be there tomorrow for that leap of faith. It always has been. Always will be. Until I wake up and there is no tomorrow. Then it won't matter. No...that is not suicide talk--I absolutely love my life and everything and most importantly everyone in it too much now to give up on that. That "no tomorrow" talk is just that we all end. And I am scared shitless that I am going to end never having got there.

He is convinced he can get there. I am not. Convinced that I can get there that is. Because when I take an honest step back...and I strip away the yeah buts and the reasons and the justifications, there I am. Not afraid of and convinced that said unknowns will do me in, but indeed aware that I'm no longer super human. I know that people change. The guy who loved you to death yesterday is trying to take your life tomorrow. The guy who swore it would be you and only you then went to work one day and met her on the way home. Life. It happens. I can deal with all that I know, but I never knew before that it was possible to love someone so much (some of you will disagree with this--you are entitled) and still do to her what he did to me. That love hurts. And I have no stamina for that. And I have no desire to ever make a promise i fear I cannot keep.

I believe in unconditional love.
I believe in forever.
I believe in sticking it out.

I know I am strong.
I know I'll let you know something.
I know I'll put up with dignity.

I hope I never have to witness another breaking point.
I understand there will be many more matchpoints.
I will that I'll have the power to not mess up this absolutely amazing calm and peace and utter reason to be just because I'm

too blind
too hopeful
too naive
too tired
too rushed
too slow

but absolutely most of all,

because I'm too scared.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Did I mention

That I have an absolutely fantastic BF. One of those who can make you cry just thinking about how absolutely fantastic he is? Yeah...that is me.

15 laps. WHOA now, whoa now!

I remember a day when I couldn't even do 5...couldn't do it. Even did it in the "big girl" pool. WHOA!

Got some lessons that actually made it easier (helps when you date an ex Cali lifeguardish type). I'm amazed. Amazed that even after 15, I'm like...I could keep going. Stop trying to finish first and realized that finishing last is's about the stamina. which is what I started this for--to get the breathing under control. Nice thighs though (smile).

I learn a new game tomorrow...which reminds me that I have to book that court for tomorrow evening.

No clue what I'm doing for Thanksgiving. But I know who I'm doing it with and that makes me utterly happy. Giddy really. I'm a lucky gal!

Okay...just found a cool site to organize the class reunion with. Should take the time this week sometime to get the two other blogs up--lots of planning. Maybe I should become a professional planner.

Lots of good stuff on the horizon. Although it is a bleak and dreary gray day, it is actually one that I am looking forward to getting stuff done both here and at home.

Later folks!

Monday, August 21, 2006

Not Even...

sore. Wow. How's that for a 3 hour uphill all ways horseback ride? Great!

Got even lots of pictures. On the horse. Lost the eyepiece. Lost the UV filter lens protector. Found both. But BF may never let me use the camera again. Travesty.

I'm utterly bored nowadays. I mean, there is plenty going on that I should be doing, but really. A bit bored. Nothing exciting happening to say "wow, that was worth it". I know I know...move it to the other blog already.

So...I need a list.

Hair did (but so not did anymore...gotta get that tight before I leave)
nails done
(and undone...gotta get that right too)
that necklace (done--even better than imagined--then at home I tell ya!)
maybe those earrings (didn't need because of better than imagined above-shop at home? yep!)
definitely those ugly shoes (blek) (checked the closet and what did I find...add clip on earrings...gorgeous...)

that list of folks (working on it...what??)
that newsletter (working on that too...still)
those dreams delayed (blek...working...what again?)
those registrations (huh? I'm going to assume yeah)
those tickets (yeah...gotta work that too...thinking on it)
that reimbursement (oh yeah...brought those folders from home...really need to work that)
that check to write (damn checkbook...oh yeah...let's put it on billpay--done! yeah got one!)

that spiral craziness (uhhmmm...)
some randomness (hmmm....bit too cryptic)
think about fun (what a notion)
just because (yeah...if I had the time)

clean that definitely
wash that too
no, there is no excuse

Compartmentalize it all. That is how I function. Life, work, scrap, organize. And then there is that boy. And that girl. That girl--drives me nuts. but that other girl, I have to be back in touch with. That girl that drives me nuts--uh huh. And yeah. User. Used to getting but not. And then some. Right.

Almost time to go back to El pAso. For Thanksgiving? Don't know if I am that brave yet...


Thursday, August 17, 2006

Giddy up

On Sunday partna. We're riding the wild open range. me with my hurt arse muscle and he with his toes probably scrapin the ground. Horsies be aware. Cool!

But yeah. So it goes. Uhg...gotta go and schmooze now. Really would rather not. So I'll do it late.

Just found out I can be reimbursed for my travel before it happens (but after I pay) so that's good to know.

Gotta create another blog for something scrappy related...which reminds me of something else to post over there. I'm organizing high school reunion for the last week of October and then pub dinner for the first weekend of November. Busy gal. Yeah...I like it like that.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


...can't get motivated to get up off the wall. Far less sore today. Got lots that I need to get done tomorrow and today. Like laundry. I've been wearing suits to work this week. You know it's time to do laundry when I break out the suits. But...the good in that is that I found that this sweater vest I goes with the pale blue suit. And yeah.

Last Wednesday off tomorrow. No more looking at Tuesday as my hump day. No more looking at my boyfriend for a while coming up here either. Really trying to brace myself for that. There's really nothing to do on the road--go out and eat with people. Take pictures of sites. But it gets old. Kinda quickly. I need to start my side gig. Ethically. And done right. Sigh...if only there were 13 hours in a day (smile)...

Monday, August 14, 2006

Sore (3rd place) losers we're not sore losers in the traditional sense. but we are sore and we did two other teams. Out of 17.

Are you an amazing race fan? Well, so am I. So when I found out that Seattle has a Pretty Darn Good Race that takes you all sorts of places local (including, I might add, to Gasworks park where this year's Amazing Race will be kicking off from on Sunday nights this fall), I of course signed us up.


I thought we would be driving. Knew we wouldn't be flying. Figured we would be running. Yeah. First place team damn near ran the whole race. Second place too. That might be why we finished like a hour behind them and came in first amongst the "less athletic" of the entrants. yeah...That's how I'll put it.

And, we DID get the "trash talkers" award. That, and the stack of $150 dollar bills...oh...and the bronze pretty darn good race medals, all totally made my weekend worthwhile.

And I only broke down and almost cried out of frustration once. That would have been when we were losing precious time and I was so out of it I thought I had left my cell phone and...

life. live and learn.

Fun times and I cannot wait until next year. Check it out my peeps and be sure to check out the pictures when they get posted!

Friday, August 04, 2006


really have nothing to say. In a good mood, getting sick (well, a visitor might be coming on by) and looking forward to 10 laps this evening. And to creating. And relaxing. And being. Just being. Blue skies and Blue Angels. Time to find something to occupy my time for the next 2 or so hours...

Thursday, August 03, 2006


Really...Discovery park hike in t-minus 42 minutes out (to the shit hole with a great view) and back. We did sit on the rocks for all of maybe 2 minutes. Friggin' smelled like (see above) but it was gorgeous nonetheless.

As usual, we were about 3 minutes too late for Red Mill after. but wow--I only had to stop once and we damn near ran that thing. We're going to get to the point where we do HAVE to run these things if we're going to get the same rush. Yeah. Loving my thighs...not loving my weight...

Thing is getting darker earlier here. And the Blue Angels are in town (not only have I heard them, but I saw them).

And all the naval ships are floating by my windows.

And yesterday I heard just how "sneaky" law students will try to be to get ahead. No spelling it our for them...the more you talk, the more loopholes you create.

Finished something that should likely be discussed on that other blog. but tonight...

Rescue team duty
sloppiness (yummy!)
cleanliness (ugh)
and write stuff

Bout it. Which reminds me that I have to sync that little gadget I bought a while back and absolutely love. Not only is the sound pretty great with my crappy headphone set that came with it, but it DOES indeed hook up to my speaker system. If only I could remember to sync it already.

That and I finally made it passed that stinkin level. Uhh...what level? What addiction?

Time to finish building the Arc. My people's is floating away in the west texas town of el paso...

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Crabby fishy

So...when you live on the water...what do you get when you combine:

cool landlords + crab season + cheesy sauce + pasta?

Well, you get delicious (and I kid you not) to die for Alfredo crab pasta. I would post the recipe, but then I'd have to have Liisa hunt you down (smile).

Speaking of her (I know...typically don't call folks out, but this deserves it):

Have you ever had a girl crush? have one, you have to be girl, you have to be straight (or crookedly heterosexual), and you have to have an overwhelming passionately obnoxious desire to just love the stuffins out of said girl.

Not in a sex way of course. But in a "wow, she rocks my world" way.

I've been having revolutionary life debates with the BF all morning long. Pointed out to him that it is those debates that makes me keep him around. But really pointed out that I absolutely will go through the flames for Liisa because she gets it too.

Case in point. Little thing. Very little thing. She is interviewing for a wonderfully fantastic job that I absolutely think she deserves. Most folks, in said situation, would do it right, but would never clue the committee into "that other wonderful person" or ask anything that might lose them the job. Not her. She was all loving on me in the interview--having them say ""and not once blinking an eyelash.

She didn't have to think "what if she knifes me" and comes in for this job because I'd never do that. It is something about that unconditional love and faith for another person that is so making me lightheaded. And I am so lucky to have TWO of those people in my life that I am no where near related to.

Other things making me lightheaded lately:

The African Prince (let's call him that) who saw me beat to s#8t yesterday after dragging my thick thighs through 10 laps (gurgle) and still had the nerve to call me beautiful and congratulate me (instead of hater-ating) on being in a wonderful relationship.

That boy who works down the hill from me who is obsessed with my fat.

Those gals who thought I had the inspirational skills to rock it--let me post it--and then the internet lovers who cried at what they saw. Yeah...that stuff that I'm too afraid to show to the boy down the hill who loves my fat...

That little boy who asked "why can't we just all live in the same house together"

High altitude not so pipe dreams

Living within my means, focusing on the future and dreaming the big dreams.

Life itself. Life has me lightheaded.