Thursday, August 24, 2006

BRACE yourself...

this one is long. And painful. And heartfelt. And hopeful. So there you have it. Your warning.

Everyday. Absolutely everyday.

I cannot imagine...check that. It hurts my heart to even think about imagining my life without him. Well yeah...him too (cause adorable 9 year old boys are important to have around). But this post is about that other him. yeah. him him. Cryptic enough?

Anyhow. Know the rules of raquetball. My hope (my dear) is that it will be the swim curve. You know...there will come a time when I look back and say "wow, I can't believe I used to have no hand eye coordination whatsoever". yeah.

Then had some okay Ethiopian food. Then started talking. And talking. And talking. Then had to stop and think.

The obvious is out there. I'm a serial leaver. Face it and be honest about it. When the going gets really rough, I don't stick it out. When my husband won't get up off his ass and go and get a job. I stick it out. That's the worse.

When my husband takes me up on MY offer to either work full time OR go to school full time and he takes the path I'd wish he hadn't, I suck it up.

When my husband pulled knives on me, I knew in my heart he would never use it and I stuck around. Thankfully (for whatever saving grace this is) he never did actually use it on me and the threat was almost always that he was going to slit his own wrists. Still traumatic.

When my husband thought it might be a better idea to drink and get chiefed so that he might create better art, I learned to be objective but firm in my beliefs.

I stay. Damn it I stay. but when it gets rough, no matter the reasons the timing or any of the other "yeah buts" the truth of the matter is that I leave.

I don't have the guts to stick it out. I don't have the guts to end it. I don't have the guts. I am indeed co-dependent. That's probably about as succinctly put as I've heard it. Others said I was high maintenance. Not financially because quite frankly, I'm motivated enough to go out and get whatever it is I want. But emotionally. I take a toll on them. when will I take my toll on him?

We're both just scared shitless. At least he can say it. In the moment, when I'm not thinking about the appropriate response or what should be happening...when I am just being, I'm scared shitless to say it. Because I do so much. In ways I never knew I knew how to, I love that guy so much.

But what does that mean? What does it mean to love someone when "forever" honestly DOES scare the shit out of you because you promised that before and thought that nothing in this world could break you. Until your man came home one night (not from work remember...) and asked you for money...for something out of this world. In the midst of the drama of the two of you trying...

My bf doesn't get why I watch with rapt attention movies like Closer and Derailed and Matchpoint. I watch because it was my life and I don't want it to be. I watch to study up and learn. I'm studious like that. He doesn't want to know details because the bigger patterns matter to him. Go west young lady, go west. I only survive off of the details--off of understanding why she always goes west. Off of knowing that if we built a path north instead, might she indeed go north?

I'm a serial leaver. I walk away. Defense mechanism? Maybe. If only I had the first shot. I'm observant. Astutely so. Naiive to bat. Sacrificial. I will always step back with the confidence that the ledge will be there tomorrow for that leap of faith. It always has been. Always will be. Until I wake up and there is no tomorrow. Then it won't matter. No...that is not suicide talk--I absolutely love my life and everything and most importantly everyone in it too much now to give up on that. That "no tomorrow" talk is just that we all end. And I am scared shitless that I am going to end never having got there.

He is convinced he can get there. I am not. Convinced that I can get there that is. Because when I take an honest step back...and I strip away the yeah buts and the reasons and the justifications, there I am. Not afraid of and convinced that said unknowns will do me in, but indeed aware that I'm no longer super human. I know that people change. The guy who loved you to death yesterday is trying to take your life tomorrow. The guy who swore it would be you and only you then went to work one day and met her on the way home. Life. It happens. I can deal with all that I know, but I never knew before that it was possible to love someone so much (some of you will disagree with this--you are entitled) and still do to her what he did to me. That love hurts. And I have no stamina for that. And I have no desire to ever make a promise i fear I cannot keep.

I believe in unconditional love.
I believe in forever.
I believe in sticking it out.

I know I am strong.
I know I'll let you know something.
I know I'll put up with dignity.

I hope I never have to witness another breaking point.
I understand there will be many more matchpoints.
I will that I'll have the power to not mess up this absolutely amazing calm and peace and utter reason to be just because I'm

too blind
too hopeful
too naive
too tired
too rushed
too slow

but absolutely most of all,

because I'm too scared.


Maggie said...

I have this quote I found that makes a lot of sense.
When you die God and the angels will hold you accountable for all the pleasures you were allowed in life that you denied yourself.

I think you should take it 1 day at a time and not borrow from tomorow today.

Francine said...

I love what Maggie said. She makes anything I was going to say obsolete :)

rani Shah said...

speechless here too. very thoughtful and expressive all you have to say. you have a way with words that is amazing and I wish you strength when you need it and happiness in your life. thanks so much for letting me read this and iin a sense letting me in.

Anonymous said...

I guess it's true you never really know someone, especially if they're still figuring themselves out.
I told "him him" that if he ever hurt you I'd come after him. I was actually telling someone about that wedding toast just the other day...but I had no idea what was going on.
You are here for a reason and God has amazing plans for you - you already know that, just keep it in mind....
Luv ya brah!