...and I was fine. I found a great land of photoshop fun that I had somehow missed. I went to work with great people. My better half figured out how to sync us together on our blackberry/crackberry tether so like Pam and Jim, we could hear everything we didn't maybe want to hear (smile).
I was fine when I woke up this morning.
I went to Staples and SCORED on some page protectors I sorely needed and finally got more ink. Not that stupid "combo pack" for printing 150 photos on photo paper I NEVER use. But real filled cartridges that will print for more than 3 days. Only took me like a year to figure that one out. I was still okay.
I was fine when I woke up this morning--even giggled as my better half took a nibble on my ear to catch the back of my earring down his throat (sorry love, it too shall pass...smile).
I was fine when I woke up this morning knowing I'd get to meet Alexandra (small world where she is working and who I knew was trying for it).
I was fine when I bought three mags at Barnes and Noble commemorating what broke me down.
I was fine when I bought my hair stuff so that I wouldn't look a hot mess the next time (yes, there will be a next time) someone accosts me to be the face of whatever they'd next like me to be the face of.
I was fine when I was watching Oprah and she brought out Will.I.Am.
I was even fine watching his phenomenal "I woke up this morning" performance (certainly, I'll keep it real, not because of his voice, but because of the power of the message...flashed with pictures to set a pacemaker off).
But then I made a mistake. I went and watched this again:
And I was no longer fine.
I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop bawling. I couldn't stop wishing that I could wrap my arms around her one. more. time. Today in particular. To tell her yes we did. To hear her tell me about how it was (she grew up in the south...Mississippi south at that). To watch the salty tears roll down her face as she got that I always got that she was my living history. To melt into her just wrapped up in her warmth as she told me I could do and be anything I wanted to do and be and this time feel her hold me so tight and really believe it...not because she didn't believe in me, but because she could believe in "it" again too.
This is really stupid to say and I don't mean it to sound drastic so please don't call the suicide hotlines or anything like that but I would literally do just about anything including catch a charge or two to have just that one last moment with her right now. Again. Once more.
And I know this sounds even sillier. But I'm making her a DVD. And those three mags I bought today. They don't have maintanance as part of her burial agreement and no one really goes out there often enough and I have not been out there since maybe a year after she was burried. Or so. But those mags, those are for her too.
Yes we did. You too. Yes you did. And finally, in a way it didn't hit me on Tuesday...or even Wednesday...and definitely not yesterday. It hits today. Probably because about this time, 9 years ago, she was taking her last breaths. I was on a plane headed back to Ithaca to prep for an LSAT I should have cancelled, and finals I would end up not having to take. I had kissed her hand and begged her to hold on for a few more months because I was almost there. I had almost made it. We had almost made it.
I miss her so much. I wish she was here. I wish she had seen this. To the young folks without old folks in their lives who say "this is so much bigger than Tiger and the Williams' sisters" I say, oh, man, do I ever know. I wish she was here. If even just for a moment longer.
I love you granny. Yes we did. You too. Without your sacrifices, your struggles and your history--OUR history. This moment would be no where near as significant as it is. I promise to do my part to never forget. The same way I never forgot nor will I ever forget you.
I'ma go finish bawling my eyes out now.
Peace out folks and thanks Will.I.Am for bringing it all home for me. Soon as I find the bootleg YouTube clip of you on Oprah, you know I'm totally going to post it here.