Tuesday, February 24, 2009

On Marriage: Good Reading

So I was over at Black Girl In Maine's blog. Aside from getting me to thinking about how I still have not been to Maine (Vermont and New Hampshire...gorgeous...Maine is still on the list) and how I would almost certainly be odd woman out up there...and the fact that her post got me cause she (like me) is also hitched to the oppressor (oh sweetie...I love you, those was my Cornell black power roots coming back out)...I was of course compelled to not lurk but to post. Mostly because her hubby chimed in on her post and I know that my hubby, the one that won't join Facebook because he might have to eternally be friends with me, also checks in on my posts, though, he never comments. Maybe because I would block his comments anyhow. All said.

Her post (link above) was about the work of marriage.

I posted a comment. The full unedited version was this:

***


Thanks for keeping this real enough to be cross posted on big man's blog which got me to here. And really got me to thinking.

I just passed the half year mark. On my second marriage. we took our sweet slow time to get to "here" not out of fear of failing again, but out of an understanding that life isn't all fairytales and princess dresses. That said, I very much know that I'm STILL well in the "he can do no wrong" phase (just check out my blog to read all the gag me sweet posts that one of his ex's was quick to hit with the "wake up stick") but in a very different way than before.

During my starter marriage, it was all about the fact that he was my first everything just about. First real love, first boyfriend, first long relationship and neither of us had really had ANY opportunity to explore who we were as individuals, let alone who we were together. That was a magnificent crash and burn with a summer of party like a border girl to test out just what it meant to be fun. I didn't like it. So I settled (keyword being settled) for another long relationship and almost married a guy the complete opposite. I went from the guy that was all I wanted but nothing I needed (adoring, younger, carefree, free spirit) to a guy that was all I needed but nothing I wanted (responsible, way older, eternally dedicated, stay the course).

One morning, I just couldn't work anymore.

All the heart ache and giving and doing and just not being anywhere at all came to a head. Honestly, the hardest work I've ever had to do in a relationship was the end. Putting the period on it. Mostly, I think looking back on it, because I really wasn't relating.

I've never been in real relationship until now. Yes, I impacted and was impacted. But in a real committed relationship, be it via marriage or not, I wasn't there. I was always placing semicolons in between people and times and moving in between and among and always waiting for something better.

Like I said, only 6 months or so into marriage, but almost 5 years into this relationship. No kids (I'm sure it will ALL change then), no struggling to pay the bills, only one night on a couch but it is just so different. What scares me most is not the day I'll want to think about exploring something else, that happens, we giggle, we talk about it and there is no threat.

It is awesome.

What scares me is the day when he or even I feels uncomfortable bringing that up.
When the conversation stops.

I believe with all my heart that as long as you can talk through it, be heard, be felt, anything can be worked out.

Anything.

But like I said...I'm only 6 months into it this time around.
***
I know a lot of folks close to me are struggling. Struggling with the economy, with kids, with relationships. Talk about it. Not just a surface "counseling" session, but a real heart to heart talk about it. Talk about you, how you feel, what you need. I promise, when you're honest with yourself you start getting what you need.
In my case, that would be sleep. Half passed midnight and all.
Keep it real. Unless you're stalking me because really...life is just too short. Well...unless you comment before 11:02 am. Because well, I've got a meeting with Liisa for lunch and not that we're ever short on stuff to talk about, but stalker stories tend to be the most entertaining types.
Oh yeah, that is code for "incoherent post coming soon" when I say "I have a meeting with Liisa". Don't say I didn't warn you.

1 comment:

blackgirlinmaine said...

You should definitely visit Maine, its beautiful like both Vermont and New Hampshire but being on the coast gives it a special charm. Oddly enough you would not be the only one of us here. (smiles)

I love your comment about being married to the oppressor....I had to laugh because for me the irony of being married to a white guy is that one of my degrees is in African American studies and I almost got a Ph.D in AA studies. This sort of thing does not make me a candidate for being married to a white guy to most folks...then again I do feel love is blind to a large degree. When the heart makes a connection to allow race to get in the way is silly though being married interracially can pose its own set of challenges.

I think though if 2 people can stay honest though they can weather the storms of life. Congrats on the marriage.