what a week...

...and it's still only Sunday. And I sit at the gate with a 2 hour layover. sigh. But in PDX. SCORE! Why? Well, because they have free internet access! I think I could live here.

Guess what? I got on an Alaska Airlines flight and I wasn't delayed! How you like them apples? The man swears by them. The man was also watching a banned show today but we won't go there.

So...in the past week or so, I've been to my high school reunion, my high school football team is undefeated (I'm from Texas...West Texas...so there's some context for you), I went to the CKC-Seattle and I hosted the 2 peas pub dinner. More on the last on the other blog. But as I sit here with plenty of time, I figure I should get some good stuff said here.

The good:

• Just a couple more weeks until I get to see my totally adorable nephew again. For the third time this year. Hadn't seen him in almost 5 years before this. Lovin' it.
• Last work travel trip of the year! Then I get to spend more time at home. More time with the man. More time making dreams come true.
• Lots of calls for publication. This year has been so wow in my alternate life.
• Guarantees that actually pay. That's why I love that hotel--but only the updates ones...
• Students that actually work. I have such an amazing group of student workers this year.
• The Target Toy insert. And seeing grown people get excited by it (smile).
• A real Christmas tree this year!
• Thanksgiving at home.
• A thick, thick, THICK envelope of design inspiration to sift through.
• Beyonce's Dangerously in Love. But I also love Irreplaceable and Ring the Alarm too. Which reminds me that I love folks that can consistently be good. Like (shhhhhhh....) Justin T. I mean, he always has me moving...even when he was a teeny bopper.
• Long life batteries.
• Christmas in downtown Seattle. At night. Better yet, on my campus. Wow...beautiful.
• Tall boys. Well, one in particular. Very much so now. How he puts up w/me...I don't know

The Bad:

• CKC-Seattle Vendor Faire. Oh come on...me, madame "I can shop" bought $27 worth of stuff. And that was $15 worth of buttons only because one booth required a $10 min purchase for debit cards. Bought lots of glue though...can never have enough glue.
• Rainy season is back. Better shut my mouth about that whole "it NEVER rains like this in Seattle". Guess I know who's really in charge there.
• CRASH! Totally just crashed out last night. Knew it was last night I'd have with the man for a little bit (short trip, but still) and just could NOT get out of bed to go and see him. The silver lining to that cloud? He came to me...that's why I like tall boys. Well...that one in particular.
• Way behind...in photos. Have lots of scene shots I can put on my wall. Have lots of Robert shots to replace in the rest of my frames.
• Two stacks. Probably three by now. Of lovely files to read when I get back this Friday.
• Did I mention it is raining cats and dogs here?
• Cash in pocket. Right next to the shopping complex at PDX. Burning a hole...

The Ugly:

• The "relationship" between my sister and mother right now. They are just way too similar. And yet miles apart. I wish there was more I could do there. That didn't involve paying either one of them out. That is a habit I CANNOT afford anymore--emotionally in particular.
• My apartment. Wow. Orchids are begging for care. Carpet would LOVE to feel the tines of a broom or the bristles of the vacuum. Clothes would love to be put back in their place in the closet. Bed would love to be made. Let's not even talk about the scrap room. Or the bathroom... Certainly not "bad" by most folks' standards...but this is the girl who will clean the heck out of something if given the opportunity. Even if that something is not her's.
• Super organized pea dinner--I mean, I panicked because I couldn't find an open kinkos to make copies or a place to buy name tags. Improvised and it went off without a hitch. This is only ugly because I was having a customary melt down 12 minutes before folks showed up to my "wow, this is so organized" dinner. Two facedness is handy in those situations, but hard to keep up appearances with.
• I was 2 seconds away from booking a convertible for my Cali trip because "I deserved it". The worst part of that entitlement attitude? I was all about to submit it for NEXT week when I won't even be in town. Did I mention I need sleep and I'm crashing out?
• My sharpie is at home. All 27 of them. What in the hell am I supposed to write out my postcards with now?!

Getting back in the swing of things and hope to be a bit more handy, organized, responsible, uptodateand what not with the blog. Really. Well...best intentions at least...

Who in the...

Who are you?? Oh, you're that girl that used to blog. Pretty regularly. Even daily if not multiple times a day. Then you go and get that highfalutin job. And you forget about us little folks. You know...mom. stalker. Friend? Yeah...you are not to be trusted with information that should be shared.

taken to task, I have ashamedly come back with my tail tucked between my legs. Did I mention that I wish I had a tail? Oh...I think I only told him that. Yeah that him. The one that wonders if we're still an item. Especially since rumors are flying that I'm an item with someone so not my type. Funny guy, nice guy (so sharing) but not my type guy. That is what happens when you not only travel to Vegas, BUT you also travel extensively in a profession with a mantra that "What happens on the road stays on the road" Don't worry hon, I nipped that in the bud. I don't share a bus seat anymore. And it's only the loud one talking mess and she also said I was "into her" so her credibility is a bit shakey. That and a lot of folks find her rather annoying. I find her rather amusing. I digress though.

where are you? Well...that would be my lovely homestate. Texas. And last week, I was in Chicago. Ish. And the week before that...I think I did most of the mentioning for the NM trip. So in my usual lazy blogging ways, I have to do a list because one day (one day...soon...really) I will be really bored with my boring life and I won't have anything else to write about and so I'll have to come in and fill in these lists. Yeah. I will.

So a road list of the past 2 and some odd weeks and what I loved:

* Checking off 3 more states from my list
* Continuing to add to his post card collection
* Indiana state routes--in full fall color
* seeing the teeny tiny Alamo. For the first time. Really
* "Please remove your hat" tatted all across the doors to the A&M Union.
* "Endorsed by such and such and the NRA"
* the SA river walk
* Getting three calls for publication
* Finalizing dinner plans
* the tummy butterflies for real life Friday Night Lights--go PHS!! 10 years baby!!

You are now welcome to go back to your regularly scheduled program. I'll be back Monday.

Another top 10?

As we get ready to finish out this trip back home, I have to blog. But I have to also get to work. So a list. Yes another one and all of these need details so I'll get to that. With pictures. Truly. I have to get a work flow down for this, but if I don't write these reminders to self, self won't remember.

Okay:

In no particular order of course *yeah right*

I love coming back because of:

*hugs from my adorable nephew who I miss terribly. Terribly
*broken butterfly wings & sadness of little ones not comfortable in their skin
*Heelies
*91 degrees...at 7:30 am
*seeing old friends at work; taking the time to go and see old co-workers after work
*old co-workers remembering the tiniest details--even 4 years later
*beautiful NM
*taking mom to dinner and getting her to understand she's worth it & King crab legs. In the desert, I know...
*being told that she's so good to people and people are good to her...sometimes. And knowing it.
*feeling at home--like being wrapped in a hug and given space to breath...all at once
*chicos...need I say more?

Who in d hell...

Does she think she is? She don't blog for half a month and think we're going to be right here waiting on her? Well...you're here arentcha? Yeah and what.

So...I have soooooo much to write about. And I know you won't stick around for a pictureless post of my ramblings. So I need to make it interactive. How about I just post a lot of posts today with pictures and stories. I need to organize this. And I need to get home--but not as urgently as I thought this morning.

Okay...a list of 10 (NOT a cop out) and then I will pick 3 to detail.

[not numbered because they are equally important]

* She worked a whole WEEK!
* M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I
* the shake down
* the shuttle
* what debt collectors will do for $50
* Spaghetti Factory
* Chi-Town
* Thankfully Thanksgiving
* What happens ____ stays _____
* Who dat be??

Okay... brief synopsis because I'm about to pea my pants with some of these memories:

* I can't REMEMBER the last time I worked a Wednesday. Oh...aside from this past Wednesday that is. But wait for it. I even get to come BACK to work on Saturday. Lovely.

* MS - uhhmm...sure Morgan Freeman was "just here". Taco Bell hits (where, by the way, it takes 11 people to take your order--especially if the manager is one of them and two more of them are on break). Cottonlandia. Plantations. 49 mph on the Trace. Jackson is the hood? Sweet Tea. O'Charleys. Shrimp and Grits. That, my dear, is definitely worth it's own post.

* to be fair, this is part of MS, but the shake down involves driving while black, abuses of power and pens. Not pins (like you could stick someone with) but pens like you would use to write with. Like some of us would use to write with...

* okay...this is also MS but where you think I been all this time with no internet?? Okay...I had internet, but I digress. that shuttle, in bold letters on the email that would be clearly marked? That also deserves a post of it's own. A post in pictures. I'll have to put that on my picture blog. A picture is worth more than a thousand words. Trust me.

* so there is a woman I know. Let's call her "mom" for sake of a better name or better indicator of how much this woman means to me. (though, for the record, it is not to imply that she is MY mom). Anyhow. So, I get calls daily. Long distance calls. Begging me to tell "mom" to call "such and such Loan Sharks". Because of the urgency of their calls, I once asked (thinking they wouldn't tell me) how much "mom" actually owed. $50. So I called "mom" to tell her I'd pay the bill, but then she proceeded to tell me that these folks not only call long distance, but they call her at work and ask to speak to her or her supervisor. They then also drive in excess of 40 miles round trip at least 3 times a week to leave a "calling card" on her door. What took the cake? One day, she came home and there were like 17 of these cards stuck all over her door and mailbox. Now, I know I work for a law school and so sometimes I think I know more than I do. But all this crap is just downright illegal. But hillarious. HILLARIOUS! I mean as "mom" said "At what point do you cut your losses and just figure you're not getting that money back?!"

Really.

* Spaghetti Factory. Bonafide barf. I should have known when he said "This used to be my sister's fave place" (not that sis has bad taste, just a different sense of what is good).

* Chi-town--I swear to all that is good that this city better damn well be worth it. I FINALLY found a hotel where I could get my points and not be in the hood AND not be too far from the Magnificent Mile. I mean truly. My event is at a hotel on MLK Jr Drive. Yes...we all know what that means. But really. Was "not in the hood" but closeby and decent and points credible too much to ask? I don't think so. But then that's just me.

* Thanksgiving. So thankful for what is going down that I actually bought a friggin $30 tea lite candle set from the PartyLite scam. No...torious. BF is a keeper. Definitely my family will think so.

* What happens...on the road, stays on the road. That's recruiter talk. So I'll be in that mindset times two when I then hit VEGAS with the King of Vegas. Oh dear that silence will be golden.

* Who dat be. Really...can only be my old professor. But she didn't teach that class. And she has a new baby. And I'm certain she knows I had no idea who she was. So I should drop her a quick email to show that I do. Now if only I knew who that was.

Kay. I'll elaborate before I jump the plane. Warning--mom doesn't have free wireless access so much as I may want to post, it won't happen until Wednesday if Monday morning sneaks up on me.

Where do I live again?

Oh yeah...Seattle. I was reminded this morning, but I didn't like it so much so the blue skies returned. Love love, LOVE this place!

Too bad I've only been here since the wee hours of Thursday morning. Came to work. Went home and hung out with the bf some, then went home and opened the laptop to create...and promptly fell asleep. As in woke up on the couch with the light on, a warm lap (lovely laptop cooler doesn't work so much on the thighs) and all my clothes on. At 6:42 am.

Came to work. Got lots and lots and LOTS done. Really proud of myself. Feeling like I have a handle on everything again. Most likely because I got to chat with this AMAZING prospect today. As in make my jaw drop amazing. She rocked my world. This is why I absolutely LOVE my job. But immediately started thinking again how I need to get those dreams back on track. To help folks like her. Folks with a passion and a drive that I am absolutely POSITIVE will make a difference. It was one of those double impact moments--she called me like 20 minutes after walking out to give me her email address. I had to her to email me so that I could follow up with some info on a mutual passion of our's--we're both educational equity freaks. She had an article she was going to forward me and I had a contact I was going to forward her. But rather than wait to get home and email me, she called me on her way home just so I would have her email address.

This is what I live for. These kinds of connections. They are very rare for me. Not to say I'm anti social or don't play well with others. Very much quite the contrary. In all that playing and socialite happiness, I rarely get to make those deeper connections. So not girl crushin' on her--already have one of those on Ms. Thang who called me and is probably pissed beyond all belief that I ain't called back yet. Gotta get her her goods. But this prospect today...if I were not already taken (BF and girl crush aside), I'd have to pass her on to some other counselor because I'd be all too crushed when we had to deny her passion off of some numbers. But I told her that.

And so it goes.

I really need to get more on the pictures here eh? I heard ya. We'll work on that. I can become an enabler. I need to start purging. Getting rid of stuff. Good books, videos/dvds, cds/ definitely lots of scrap stuff. Just neat little "things".

When my mother was here this summer (she's making a repeat appearance for Thanksgiving by the way--how cool is that??!), she said my house was definitely a home--in my style. That means she knows I'm a packrat and I have a lot of stuff. As is evidenced by the fact that I live alone and I've really got stuff. Time to start getting rid of it. Lot easier to do a few items a day.

Since I won't be home much these coming weeks, I think I'll make it a goal to get rid of 10 things each day. Goodwill...give it away here...ship it off. I can do it. Which reminds me...I have raks to send off. really...I've got ya'll coming. Really!

Motown Philly Back again...

...doing a little East Coast swing!

Ahhh...I love the East Coast. Love being 3 hours "ahead" as opposed to three hours behind. Have yet to find where I feel that I am right on time. We'll work on that.

So. This trip is almost up. I still have not made it back to the Liberty Bell. But I have like 3 hours to kill tomorrow so that shouldn't be a problem. Which reminds me that I gotta call the dude downstairs (yeah...you know which word I c'ain't spell) and book my shuttle back to the airport. yeah.

So a list is in order.

What I loved about this:
hugging him goodbye at the airport
meeting Nancy and Bill-straight up Middle America folks--on the plane
being here on Monday
meeting all of these amazing lawyers who said that the money didn't matter
meeting all these lawyers who are totally at peace with not "making it"
staying a block from Independence Hall National Park
the cool getups at City Tavern
earning points AND miles
adding to my postcard collection
starting his postcard collection

What I...well...not so much about this:
being apart from him
5 hour flights where you have to pay for food. And headphones.
hotel giftshop shopping
the food. waaaaaay too good and waaaaaay too much of it
broken fitness facilities
forgetting a bathing suit
not making it to Independence Hall National Park
no pictures. Not one. And I DO have a camera with me...
paying for internet access
feeling guilty about not tipping on room service--especially when there are already delivery fees AND a 20% service charge added to the tab

Checkout tomorrow morning. Scrap tonight. See him not soon enough. I so need to be home. But I get to see Law & Order SVU, two times tonight! Gotta stay up till at least midnight so I can get back on the right coast's schedule.

I think there's a BBQ this Saturday with the newlyweds. And I think we were going to do the Puyallup too. Busy gal this weekend. Fun times! Leave for Mississippi this Sunday and there all of next week. The recruiting starts for real then.

Time for a picture on yet the OTHER blog!

Finally

That alarm was going to drive me BUTTY! That's a combo between...okay...no clevernish, it was a typo. But really, it could be a combo between nutty and...hmmm...I'll think on it.

In the land of freedom. Philly. Very, VERY interesting to be on the east coast today. So close to there. I remember much of where and what I was doing 5 years ago with who.

I was married.
I was in New Mexico
I was walking to work
I was on time
It was eerily silent
I heard on the radio that there seemed to be a smokey something going on at the helicopter pad at the Pentagon.
I walked into work and all the registration tvs were on to NBC--I didn't even know we could get tv on those sets.
I sat down in the glass bowl (my office with all the windows)
People kept walking by and looking at me. And whispering. And looking at me with that "how sad" look in their eyes.
I got out of the bowl and went to watch tv--"they don't know if it was an accident or not, but they think a plane crashed into the building."
I watched as they played the second plane crashing into the second tower. "WTF?! That is no accident." I remember saying that. Then I remember my mind going completely blank as the questions came:

Where's your family? Where are your friends? Go make some calls.

Then I watched the tower fall. And I lost it. I retreated to the bowl.

Who was I going to call? Who was going to answer? Remarkably, he did answer. And so did she. But he didn't. And neither did he.

I graduated from Cornell University. In upstate NY. About 6 out of 10 people I knew there were from NYC. I was president for two years of the Omicron Upsilon chapter of AKPsi--that would be the business frat. So yeah...I knew people. I knew LOTS of people. That worked in NYC. That were my friends. That worked in those towers.

I was numb. I didn't even know where to BEGIN to look for people. Ironically, I had JUST been in the process of getting back in touch with some of my brothers--the other kids who woke up one morning my junior year and decided to found a business frat. And trust a communication major of all folks to lead the way. I wasn't president when we started--I was the secretary who got to know EVERYONE because of all the paperwork. But then me, Ms. "I hate networking" and really, kinda shy cat, was elected President. Twice. And as such, so many people knew where I was, but I didn't know where they were.

I've been back to NY once after 9/11. It was just too painful. Too painful to think of the folks I've never been able to get back in touch with. I've never looked up a full list of who died that day because I don't want to see any of my missing brothers on those lists. I can still hope this way.

5 years. Seems like yesterday. Seems like yesterday 100 years ago. It just seems. That's all.

Great goodness...

okay. So I was panicked enough to stay up and watch the news to make sure that Grayson's shelter was not the kitty shelter gone mad. That was so sad. So very sad.

And then, BF confesses that he's been doing some research. See, he's a big guy--very tall. And you know how pets are so like their owners? Well, he's a dog guy. And he has a habit of calling tiny dogs rats--perhaps because he believes that their little tails could get caught in rat traps. If you set them up just so I suppose.

In any event, he wants a GD. Now...those dogs are HUGE. I tried to tell him that he would be the only one big enough to walk that dog. I suggested a dalmation. Which he said has a horrible attitude. Interesting...cause I have a horrible attitude from time to time too. I could picture it...him and his Dane, me and my dal. Fun times.

So, his research, he shows me all about their temperment, etc. Then starts talking craziness. See, he has all sorts of valid reasons for not getting a dog right now. Nothing valid to stop him from WANTING one. So he's all "well, can't you see it dear? All three of us chillin' on the make out couch?" yeah...I could. Too cute.

Anyhow...I'm starting to bore myself with the inability to complete a thought or type it all out.

It is Friday and time to get on out of here because at the crack of dawn tomorrow, I get to get on an airplane and take the show on the road. Philly or bust. See ya on the rebound if not on the road!

I really shouldn't...

...be posting because I hate these kinds of posts. The kind where you really don't have much to say (or, in my case, you really have a lot to say but not enough time to say it) and you post anyhow?

Okay...list time since that seems to be all I have much time to do nowadays. Non-cryptic cause I was going over one of my other lists and I couldn't figure out what in the heck I was talking about.

On a side note...did you know (well, on ANOTHER side note...did you know that my adorable nephew says "what the heeeeeeck" with the e all drawn out cause...well...he's a cutie.) that I grew up around folks who believed that if you thought it--just thought it, you had done it. Ie, if you think of cheating on your wife, it is just as bad as having cheated on her. Or, if you think deep enough to censor yourself and say heck instead of...well...that other word, then you are just as bad a spawn of Satan?

But i digress.

I chose blog winners--check over at two peas to know if you're one of them. If I don't hear from you before Friday night, I'll track ya down when I get back into town on Thursday after some work travel.

Speaking of which--Philly ya'll. I might actually get to see my best friend from high school on that trip. And my best friend from college. I just need to take my best grown up friends and it would be a big partay up in there. But alas the BF has to work and Ms. Thang...yeah. I got talked to about her in my performance review. Well, not her directly, but about my talking to her on the phone. In a cubicle. Where folks can peep our business. Right.

So this is turning into much more than a list. Time to control the out of control typing. I talk to much. Tell me something that ISN'T new...

10. Need (REALLY NEED!!) to find a place to stay in Chicago that won't cost me $400 a night whence all the cab rides to work are said and done.

9. Red Curry. Tofu. Green beans. Chicken. Mushrooms. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, soooooooo good I might have to make it again. And he liked it. That's not saying much cause I don't think he'd ever tell me, "Girl, your cooking sucks" but he ate seconds...and I liked it...and wow...I learned that I actually LIKE breaking out the cookbooks, gathering the ingredients and cooking. I figured this out just as I get ready to hit the road of course (smile). Of course.

8. Need to pack up that album and ship it off.

7. Need to pack those boxes at work and ship them off--packing tape would be a good thing.

6. Did I mention...I get to see two of my bestest friends next week?

5. Shopping for Patagonia gear on Ebay...rocks.

4. Why I'm shopping for Patagonia gear on Ebay (ahem * EBC* ) rocks even more

3. Microsoft Works Tasks...who knew life could be so friggin' organized??

2. Me. Our Town. Stage manager. Don't get it twisted, she was the gal laughing her arse off in the chairs at the funeral. Damn her.

1. 50? Days until then. Yippee!

On the Road Again...

...I just CAN wait to get on the road again.

But...at least I get to meet all sorts of new people.

So if you are in any of the following areas--you should definitely be in touch as I have plenty of time to take folks out to lunch (hint/hint)! Especially if you might know a great scrap store...I mean...a good place to take pictures in town (smile).

That said, in order (I think) of appearance:

September: Philly and then Mississippi
October: West Texas and NM, Las Vegas, Chicago, Midwest (lots of random states), rest of TX
November: So Cali

Yippee~! I only work half days mostly while on the road and then have LOTS of time to play. Some trips I have photo assignments, some trips I have places to go for things I care about (ie, Mississippi I'm going to be doing some stuff for The Box Project--look it up folks...we need your help). But most trips, it's about me taking a moment to just chill...

So...today I found Microsoft Tasks. I'm. In. Love. Totally. Well...I am. Not with tasks per se, but they are cool. I already got to click stuff off the todo list! Yippee!

About ready to buy the Thanksgiving tickets--mom and sister and nephew coming back already. well, sister for the first time but the others back. I so am going to love this.

Time to go and eat. And ship. And create. And clean. And just veg out some already. I was way stressing life this morning. I had to take a step back from myself and say "honestly" already.

Really.

Kay!

Wedding Love

Why do I love weddings? Well...let me count the ways in which I loved the wedding this past weekend:

10. drama. plenty of it. From groomsmen not knowing how much they were going to be jacked for a tux rental (small towns = big charges...$150 big charges) to "we're sorry Mr. and Mrs. M but we really DON'T have a room for you and I gives a damn if you're newlyweds. Biker Jon to the rescue...talk about good karma...

9. boyscouts come in handy--especially old past (or is it like once one, always one...??) Eagle Scouts who know how to tie knots. That hold down the tents. At an outdoor wedding.

8. moats are cool--especially at country clubs where they are not really moats, but let us pretend anyhow...

7. families are always cutest when they put aside differences to celebrate in the moment

6. I'm a girl with a bf who lets me carry around his big glass. lol...and I'm sturdy enough not to blow over holding it. (that's for you photogs with model wannabe assistants out there)

5. my man looks super fly in a tux...with his sunglasses on...watching me from afar making sure I'm not bored out of my mind

4. dancing with that guy mentioned above (who lets me carry the big glass and looks superfly in a tux), is really really fun no matter how much I have had to drink.

3. black ribbon, white polka dots. nuff said.

2. Red Bull and what?? No I don't have any cigarettes...cigars either.

1. but most of all, I loved the wedding this past weekend cause I totally love that guy. No...not the groom (not THAT kind of drama) but they do have the same name come to think of it...

Work is about done. Scrap is under control. Gotta get in early tomorrow. Which means I probably get out decently early...not bad.

Off I go!

BRACE yourself...

this one is long. And painful. And heartfelt. And hopeful. So there you have it. Your warning.

Everyday. Absolutely everyday.

I cannot imagine...check that. It hurts my heart to even think about imagining my life without him. Well yeah...him too (cause adorable 9 year old boys are important to have around). But this post is about that other him. yeah. him him. Cryptic enough?

Anyhow. Know the rules of raquetball. My hope (my dear) is that it will be the swim curve. You know...there will come a time when I look back and say "wow, I can't believe I used to have no hand eye coordination whatsoever". yeah.

Then had some okay Ethiopian food. Then started talking. And talking. And talking. Then had to stop and think.

The obvious is out there. I'm a serial leaver. Face it and be honest about it. When the going gets really rough, I don't stick it out. When my husband won't get up off his ass and go and get a job. I stick it out. That's the worse.

When my husband takes me up on MY offer to either work full time OR go to school full time and he takes the path I'd wish he hadn't, I suck it up.

When my husband pulled knives on me, I knew in my heart he would never use it and I stuck around. Thankfully (for whatever saving grace this is) he never did actually use it on me and the threat was almost always that he was going to slit his own wrists. Still traumatic.

When my husband thought it might be a better idea to drink and get chiefed so that he might create better art, I learned to be objective but firm in my beliefs.

I stay. Damn it I stay. but when it gets rough, no matter the reasons the timing or any of the other "yeah buts" the truth of the matter is that I leave.

I don't have the guts to stick it out. I don't have the guts to end it. I don't have the guts. I am indeed co-dependent. That's probably about as succinctly put as I've heard it. Others said I was high maintenance. Not financially because quite frankly, I'm motivated enough to go out and get whatever it is I want. But emotionally. I take a toll on them. when will I take my toll on him?

We're both just scared shitless. At least he can say it. In the moment, when I'm not thinking about the appropriate response or what should be happening...when I am just being, I'm scared shitless to say it. Because I do so much. In ways I never knew I knew how to, I love that guy so much.

But what does that mean? What does it mean to love someone when "forever" honestly DOES scare the shit out of you because you promised that before and thought that nothing in this world could break you. Until your man came home one night (not from work remember...) and asked you for money...for something out of this world. In the midst of the drama of the two of you trying...

My bf doesn't get why I watch with rapt attention movies like Closer and Derailed and Matchpoint. I watch because it was my life and I don't want it to be. I watch to study up and learn. I'm studious like that. He doesn't want to know details because the bigger patterns matter to him. Go west young lady, go west. I only survive off of the details--off of understanding why she always goes west. Off of knowing that if we built a path north instead, might she indeed go north?

I'm a serial leaver. I walk away. Defense mechanism? Maybe. If only I had the first shot. I'm observant. Astutely so. Naiive to bat. Sacrificial. I will always step back with the confidence that the ledge will be there tomorrow for that leap of faith. It always has been. Always will be. Until I wake up and there is no tomorrow. Then it won't matter. No...that is not suicide talk--I absolutely love my life and everything and most importantly everyone in it too much now to give up on that. That "no tomorrow" talk is just that we all end. And I am scared shitless that I am going to end never having got there.

He is convinced he can get there. I am not. Convinced that I can get there that is. Because when I take an honest step back...and I strip away the yeah buts and the reasons and the justifications, there I am. Not afraid of and convinced that said unknowns will do me in, but indeed aware that I'm no longer super human. I know that people change. The guy who loved you to death yesterday is trying to take your life tomorrow. The guy who swore it would be you and only you then went to work one day and met her on the way home. Life. It happens. I can deal with all that I know, but I never knew before that it was possible to love someone so much (some of you will disagree with this--you are entitled) and still do to her what he did to me. That love hurts. And I have no stamina for that. And I have no desire to ever make a promise i fear I cannot keep.

I believe in unconditional love.
I believe in forever.
I believe in sticking it out.

I know I am strong.
I know I'll let you know something.
I know I'll put up with dignity.

I hope I never have to witness another breaking point.
I understand there will be many more matchpoints.
I will that I'll have the power to not mess up this absolutely amazing calm and peace and utter reason to be just because I'm

too blind
too hopeful
too naive
too tired
too rushed
too slow

but absolutely most of all,

because I'm too scared.

Did I mention

That I have an absolutely fantastic BF. One of those who can make you cry just thinking about how absolutely fantastic he is? Yeah...that is me.

15 laps. WHOA now, whoa now!

I remember a day when I couldn't even do 5...couldn't do it. Even did it in the "big girl" pool. WHOA!

Got some lessons that actually made it easier (helps when you date an ex Cali lifeguardish type). I'm amazed. Amazed that even after 15, I'm like...I could keep going. Stop trying to finish first and realized that finishing last is okay...it's about the stamina. which is what I started this for--to get the breathing under control. Nice thighs though (smile).

I learn a new game tomorrow...which reminds me that I have to book that court for tomorrow evening.

No clue what I'm doing for Thanksgiving. But I know who I'm doing it with and that makes me utterly happy. Giddy really. I'm a lucky gal!

Okay...just found a cool site to organize the class reunion with. Should take the time this week sometime to get the two other blogs up--lots of planning. Maybe I should become a professional planner.

Lots of good stuff on the horizon. Although it is a bleak and dreary gray day, it is actually one that I am looking forward to getting stuff done both here and at home.

Later folks!

Not Even...

sore. Wow. How's that for a 3 hour uphill all ways horseback ride? Great!

Got even lots of pictures. On the horse. Lost the eyepiece. Lost the UV filter lens protector. Found both. But BF may never let me use the camera again. Travesty.

I'm utterly bored nowadays. I mean, there is plenty going on that I should be doing, but really. A bit bored. Nothing exciting happening to say "wow, that was worth it". I know I know...move it to the other blog already.

So...I need a list.

Hair did (but so not did anymore...gotta get that tight before I leave)
nails done (and undone...gotta get that right too)
that necklace (done--even better than imagined--then returned...shop at home I tell ya!)
maybe those earrings (didn't need because of better than imagined above-shop at home? yep!)
definitely those ugly shoes (blek) (checked the closet and what did I find...add clip on earrings...gorgeous...)

that list of folks (working on it...what??)
that newsletter (working on that too...still)
those dreams delayed (blek...working...what again?)
those registrations (huh? I'm going to assume yeah)
those tickets (yeah...gotta work that too...thinking on it)
that reimbursement (oh yeah...brought those folders from home...really need to work that)
that check to write (damn checkbook...oh yeah...let's put it on billpay--done! yeah got one!)

that spiral craziness (uhhmmm...)
some randomness (hmmm....bit too cryptic)
think about fun (what a notion)
just because (yeah...if I had the time)

clean
clean that definitely
wash that too
no, there is no excuse

Compartmentalize it all. That is how I function. Life, work, scrap, organize. And then there is that boy. And that girl. That girl--drives me nuts. but that other girl, I have to be back in touch with. That girl that drives me nuts--uh huh. And yeah. User. Used to getting but not. And then some. Right.

Almost time to go back to El pAso. For Thanksgiving? Don't know if I am that brave yet...

B

Giddy up

On Sunday partna. We're riding the wild open range. me with my hurt arse muscle and he with his toes probably scrapin the ground. Horsies be aware. Cool!

But yeah. So it goes. Uhg...gotta go and schmooze now. Really would rather not. So I'll do it late.

Just found out I can be reimbursed for my travel before it happens (but after I pay) so that's good to know.

Gotta create another blog for something scrappy related...which reminds me of something else to post over there. I'm organizing high school reunion for the last week of October and then pub dinner for the first weekend of November. Busy gal. Yeah...I like it like that.

Humpty...

...can't get motivated to get up off the wall. Far less sore today. Got lots that I need to get done tomorrow and today. Like laundry. I've been wearing suits to work this week. You know it's time to do laundry when I break out the suits. But...the good in that is that I found that this sweater vest I love...so goes with the pale blue suit. And yeah.

Last Wednesday off tomorrow. No more looking at Tuesday as my hump day. No more looking at my boyfriend for a while coming up here either. Really trying to brace myself for that. There's really nothing to do on the road--go out and eat with people. Take pictures of sites. But it gets old. Kinda quickly. I need to start my side gig. Ethically. And done right. Sigh...if only there were 13 hours in a day (smile)...

Sore (3rd place) losers

Okay...so we're not sore losers in the traditional sense. but we are sore and we did lose...to two other teams. Out of 17.

Are you an amazing race fan? Well, so am I. So when I found out that Seattle has a Pretty Darn Good Race that takes you all sorts of places local (including, I might add, to Gasworks park where this year's Amazing Race will be kicking off from on Sunday nights this fall), I of course signed us up.

Now...

I thought we would be driving. Knew we wouldn't be flying. Figured we would be running. Yeah. First place team damn near ran the whole race. Second place too. That might be why we finished like a hour behind them and came in first amongst the "less athletic" of the entrants. yeah...That's how I'll put it.

And, we DID get the "trash talkers" award. That, and the stack of $150 dollar bills...oh...and the bronze pretty darn good race medals, all totally made my weekend worthwhile.

And I only broke down and almost cried out of frustration once. That would have been when we were losing precious time and I was so out of it I thought I had left my cell phone and...

life. live and learn.

Fun times and I cannot wait until next year. www.pdgr.org. Check it out my peeps and be sure to check out the pictures when they get posted!

So...

really have nothing to say. In a good mood, getting sick (well, a visitor might be coming on by) and looking forward to 10 laps this evening. And to creating. And relaxing. And being. Just being. Blue skies and Blue Angels. Time to find something to occupy my time for the next 2 or so hours...

Fitted?

Really...Discovery park hike in t-minus 42 minutes out (to the shit hole with a great view) and back. We did sit on the rocks for all of maybe 2 minutes. Friggin' smelled like (see above) but it was gorgeous nonetheless.

As usual, we were about 3 minutes too late for Red Mill after. but wow--I only had to stop once and we damn near ran that thing. We're going to get to the point where we do HAVE to run these things if we're going to get the same rush. Yeah. Loving my thighs...not loving my weight...

Thing is...it is getting darker earlier here. And the Blue Angels are in town (not only have I heard them, but I saw them).

And all the naval ships are floating by my windows.

And yesterday I heard just how "sneaky" law students will try to be to get ahead. No spelling it our for them...the more you talk, the more loopholes you create.

Finished something that should likely be discussed on that other blog. but tonight...

Rescue team duty
sloppiness (yummy!)
cleanliness (ugh)
and write stuff

Bout it. Which reminds me that I have to sync that little gadget I bought a while back and absolutely love. Not only is the sound pretty great with my crappy headphone set that came with it, but it DOES indeed hook up to my speaker system. If only I could remember to sync it already.

That and I finally made it passed that stinkin level. Uhh...what level? What addiction?

Time to finish building the Arc. My people's is floating away in the west texas town of el paso...

Crabby fishy

So...when you live on the water...what do you get when you combine:

cool landlords + crab season + cheesy sauce + pasta?

Well, you get delicious (and I kid you not) to die for Alfredo crab pasta. I would post the recipe, but then I'd have to have Liisa hunt you down (smile).

Speaking of her (I know...typically don't call folks out, but this deserves it):

Have you ever had a girl crush? Well...to have one, you have to be girl, you have to be straight (or crookedly heterosexual), and you have to have an overwhelming passionately obnoxious desire to just love the stuffins out of said girl.

Not in a sex way of course. But in a "wow, she rocks my world" way.

I've been having revolutionary life debates with the BF all morning long. Pointed out to him that it is those debates that makes me keep him around. But really pointed out that I absolutely will go through the flames for Liisa because she gets it too.

Case in point. Little thing. Very little thing. She is interviewing for a wonderfully fantastic job that I absolutely think she deserves. Most folks, in said situation, would do it right, but would never clue the committee into "that other wonderful person" or ask anything that might lose them the job. Not her. She was all loving on me in the interview--having them say "aha...wow..."and not once blinking an eyelash.

She didn't have to think "what if she knifes me" and comes in for this job because I'd never do that. It is something about that unconditional love and faith for another person that is so making me lightheaded. And I am so lucky to have TWO of those people in my life that I am no where near related to.

Other things making me lightheaded lately:

The African Prince (let's call him that) who saw me beat to s#8t yesterday after dragging my thick thighs through 10 laps (gurgle) and still had the nerve to call me beautiful and congratulate me (instead of hater-ating) on being in a wonderful relationship.

That boy who works down the hill from me who is obsessed with my fat.

Those gals who thought I had the inspirational skills to rock it--let me post it--and then the internet lovers who cried at what they saw. Yeah...that stuff that I'm too afraid to show to the boy down the hill who loves my fat...

That little boy who asked "why can't we just all live in the same house together"

High altitude not so pipe dreams

Living within my means, focusing on the future and dreaming the big dreams.

Life itself. Life has me lightheaded.